Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
