Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
