Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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