she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
