I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
