Can i not drive my cunt home
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
