i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
When are your genitals available?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
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