I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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