I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
