my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
