I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
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