You were right. It hurts to walk today.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
