I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
