mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
