tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
zippers are such a cool invention
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Randomize
