'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
