just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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