It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
