i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
