I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
