pop tarts are not kleenex
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
