I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Randomize
