Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
