i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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