I got chris browned last night
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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