Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
