Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
