I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
