What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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