last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
