Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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