Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
