My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I wish i was in the wii world.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
