8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
accomplished twins. life is a go
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize