we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
