I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
me + whiskey = a bad person
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
