He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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