i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
