Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Your shirt... Was in my pants
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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