If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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