I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
