Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
