my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
