Can Purell be used as lube?
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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