just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
