I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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