i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize