You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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