if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Randomize
