It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
