The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
