he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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