I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
