I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
