She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
