umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
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